I am not the kind of man who gives up easily. Ask Linda. Ask anyone who knows me.
So I tried everything.
First the traps the kind you push into the active tunnel and wait. I bought six of them. Read the instructions three times. Set them carefully. Marked the locations with little flags so I wouldn't forget where they were.
Checked them every day for two weeks.
Caught one mole.
One.
And three days after I removed it, there were two new mounds where that tunnel used to be.
Then I tried the castor oil granules I'd read about on a landscaping forum. Spread them across the whole yard on a dry morning, watered them in like the instructions said. Waited.
Nothing changed.
Then I spent $35 on a bag of grub killer, because someone in the neighborhood told me that if you eliminate their food source, the moles leave on their own.
The moles did not leave on their own.
Then I called a pest control company one of the big ones with a logo on their trucks and a good rating online. A man named Phil came out, walked the property, quoted me $65 for the initial visit and $22 per mole after that.
"How long will it take?" I asked him.
He looked at me the way people look at you when they're about to say something you don't want to hear.
"Honestly? There's no finish line with moles. You trap what's here, but your yard backs up to that green space. You're always going to be in the crosshairs. We can manage it for you. Keep it from getting too bad."
"Manage it," I repeated.
"That's the realistic expectation, yeah."
I thanked him and told him I'd be in touch.
I was not in touch.